


broken together

by awkwardspaceturtle (CastelloFlare)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Literal Sleeping Together, M/M, Memory Loss, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-23 19:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7476339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastelloFlare/pseuds/awkwardspaceturtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after season one finale; after the reunion of the Castle of Lions following the battle with Zarkon, Shiro’s memories of captivity keep coming back to haunt him. Keith, bombarded with his own memories about his past relationship with the leader, tries to bottle up his own feelings to focus on being a support for him.</p><p> </p><p>Note: Tags would be added as the story progresses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> it's my first time writing some ptsd into a fic, ever, or into any piece of writing  
> everything i put here about experiencing or coping with trauma was only found in the internet  
> so pls forgive me and correct me if i made any mistakes about that  
> thank you so much for clicking on this!

When Keith’s bladder decided it was time to go to the lavatories after lights out, he sure as hell did not expect to find their leader, half-naked and kneeling on the floor, under a cold shower.

Clad only in his flimsy pajamas, Shiro weakly leaned on the wall as the cool water poured all over his bare back, shoulders, arms and legs. He didn’t even bother to turn on the light. How long he’s been in the dark like this, Keith could only guess. He was shivering, but Keith knew it wasn’t because of the shower.

Keith knelt down beside him, getting wet himself, but it didn’t matter.

“Shiro,” he whispered, and he was met with frightened brown eyes.

 

Why each of their quarters didn’t have its own lavatory, Keith didn’t know why. At least, going out in the middle of the night to use the lavatory gave him a reason to get up and wander around to clear his mind and get a breather.

For the second time in his life, he was deprived of sleep – lights would be out and he could finally rest, but the quiet of his room and the absence of training and other daily activities did not bring him any comfort. If anything, the lack of distractions just made him more awake – awake and _alone_ with his thoughts and worries. And for the second time, the reason was Shiro.

The first time lasted for about a whole year – he survived from the emotional stress, yes, but he felt like an empty vessel walking around with the fear that he might never get to see the man he admired so much ever again. Now, a year and a few months later, he had found Shiro – but that wasn’t enough to put his mind at ease.

From what he’d heard, when they’d gone to attack the Galra and Shiro had gone inside Zarkon’s ship, he’d met the creature who gave him the Galra-tech arm. More than that, being back on that ship most likely made some unpleasant memories of captivity resurface.

Now that they were back in the Castle of Lions, away from the Galra Empire at least for the time being, things were back to normal, as far as normal could be. Training resumed – they could not let their guards down for any surprises – and the tension from getting back from the battle was slowly dissipating as regular life kicked in, but Keith knew better. More than anyone else on the team, Shiro took something with him from that experience. Or he might have uncovered something deep from his sealed memories.

It wasn’t very noticeable. Usually, they’d know if Shiro gets a flashback, with the trauma showing on his face, but recently there were no episodes of panic attacks or anything of the sort, aside from Shiro momentarily spacing out while everyone else was busy chatting or eating in the mess hall. This got people worried, of course, but the leader always brushed it off as fatigue from the recent battle. It was plausible, but of course, Keith knew he was half-lying.

The assumptions and concern turned into his own troubles, into thoughts that ate away his hours of rest. When it came to Shiro, Keith just can’t easily keep a sound mind.

 

“I read an article somewhere about cold showers helping to relieve stress,” Shiro said casually, a moment after Keith helped him to his room. “The cold water is supposed to help increase the nervous system’s resilience to stress.”

Keith knew Shiro was just rambling, but it was better than silently – and awkwardly – sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for him to get out of his wet clothes and get into new ones. It _was_ a small four-walled room, after all, much like the other paladins’, and there was nothing much to look at except for the occupant himself.

Keith just muttered a quiet “oh”, not really sure if he should ask about this stress, since Shiro had already mentioned it. If he could, what question should he throw first? Before he could decide, something soft and clean was thrown to him from the side.

“You better change into my shirt,” Shiro said, his voice only more than a whisper. “I’m sorry you had to get into that shower with me.”

Thankful that their backs were turned from each other, Keith allowed himself to blush. That sentence, out of context, was giving him some immoral ideas, but now wasn’t the time to entertain any of those thoughts, so he just muttered a simple “Nothing to apologize about”, and proceeded to take off his own shirt, which was considerably splashed with water.

Shiro was a much bigger size, but Keith didn’t mind – what he _did_ mind was the nostalgia that came along with the warmth and the musky scent of the shirt that was undeniably Shiro – which was once a different yet rather pleasant reason he had a hard time sleeping in what seemed like another life.

Shiro busied himself with a towel to dry his short hair with, giving Keith some time and privacy to wear the shirt, and he only turned around once the younger boy was done. He went to sit beside Keith on the bed, and for a while, not a word was spoken.

“I should probably head back,” Keith said, but as he started to get up, a bionic hand suddenly clasped his wrist, some urgency laced in its grasp. Keith’s eyes darted slowly from Shiro’s hand to his eyes, which were filled with a plethora of emotions – hope, fear, loneliness, shock, insecurity, to name a few. And as soon as Keith processed that, a veil of bravery and assurance swept over Shiro’s handsome features.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro apologized as his hand dropped back to the bed. “That was just on impulse—”

“I meant to the lavatory,” Keith quickly added without thinking. They both blinked at each other. “I mean I should probably head back to do my business first, then come back here. If you want to maybe hang for a bit or something,” he added sheepishly.

Shiro’s face broke into an apologetic, yet rather content smile.

“I’d like that.”


	2. Chapter 2

Keith still couldn’t sleep.

For one thing, it was a small single bed.

Another, he was sleeping back to back against Shiro. For the first time in a long while, they’re sharing the same bed _again_ , and just thinking about it was messing with his head. The room had grown quiet, and he prayed that the sound of his rapid heartbeat wasn’t too loud.

Also, Shiro wasn’t exactly sleeping soundly. He’d occasionally mutter something alien-related in his sleep – _Galra, Zarkon, monster_ – and twice he’d gotten up so abruptly, sweaty and breathing really hard. Both times, Keith calmed him down until Shiro could breathe normally again. Afterwards, when silence would once again settle upon them, he’d try to listen to Shiro’s heartbeat and breathing over his own.

 

When he had finally fallen asleep and woke up by daylight, the warmth on his back was already gone.

It took a moment for Keith to remember he wasn’t in his own room, so his first thought was: which one was the dream? That he slept in Shiro’s room, or that Shiro was right there on the floor doing push-ups?

Believing he was still absolutely dreaming, Keith allowed himself to stare.

Sweat glistened on Shiro’s skin like pieces of burning stars, the moisture making his hair cling to his forehead. His eyes, deep in concentration, were cast on the floor, his eyebrows furrowed together. Unlike usual, he was only using one hand – the human hand – to push himself up with, the bionic one tucked away behind his back. This handicap required more effort on his part, and it was evident with the way his biceps contracted with every push, and the deep, raspy grunts he was making – and all of these little details doing things to Keith’s mind and body.

 _Oh god_ , he thought. _This is_ my _Takashi_.

A rock was forming between Keith’s legs, making him squirm a little, and this small movement was enough to get Shiro’s attention. The leader’s head perked up, and when their eyes met, Keith became aware of how real everything was and that he was absolutely _fucking awake_.

With a combination of both control and grace, Shiro got up from his exercise and grabbed a nearby towel to dab on his sweat with. Keith couldn’t help but stare at his heaving chest, majestic in its size, down to his beautifully chiseled torso, dark hair trailing down along the center towards the top of his pajamas. Memories flooded his mind of similar early mornings spent looking at this same view, as if from another life, filling his insides with a sick, bittersweet feeling.

“Sorry if I woke you up.” Shiro’s soft voice and gentle smile broke through Keith’s reverie. “This is what I usually do in the mornings. Keeps my mind awake and busy.”

Didn’t he have a hard time sleeping in the past hours? It was as if there wasn’t any trace of his stress from last night. How was he already up, and for how long? Speaking of which, how long had Keith overslept?

“Quiznak, what time is it?” Keith abruptly sat up, his voice sounding gravelly from sleep. He knew it was yet another regular day of training, but oversleeping was definitely not a very Paladin-worthy thing to do.

“It’s okay, buddy, there’s still time before breakfast,” Shiro said.

A simple sentence, but it made Keith remember Shiro saying something similar from a time before – _“It’s okay, baby, we still have time before breakfast,”_ – and they’d have already sinned ten times more than the average teenagers before 7AM. But today, it wasn’t the same.

Ignoring the strangely painful feeling in his chest, Keith got up and quickly made the bed.

“Wouldn’t want to get scolded by Coran first thing in the morning,” he said, despite never having been reprimanded for slacking off. Also, he would be doing himself a favor if he got out of Shiro’s room, fast. As he approached the door, he felt Shiro’s warm hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Keith,” he said. “And I’m sorry for keeping you here.”

Keith swallowed before answering him. He flashed Shiro a weak smile.

“There really is nothing to apologize about, Shiro.” Then he stepped out the door.

 

He did not make it two steps outside before he turned and slid off the wall.

Did all of that just happen? After a year of no contact at all, and a few months of secretly pining and staying silent, this sudden shift of events felt surreal, and he couldn’t wrap his mind around that fact that he had just literally spent the night in Shiro’s room.

His worry for the leader still hadn’t dissipated, but now he was sure there were more reasons to keep him up at night – previously suppressed and recently resurfaced memories and feelings plagued his mind, memories he treasured but would rather not have at this moment. Shiro was facing troubles of his own, and if Keith was also struggling with his own sources of distress, how could he effectively be the support Shiro needed?

“Uh, hi.” Hunk’s awkward greeting startled him. Keith looked up and saw the big guy in his orange pajamas, just a little ways to his left, clearly on his way to breakfast. Did Hunk see him get out from Shiro’s room? Or if not, wasn’t it still weird seeing him sitting there by his door this early in the morning?

“Going to breakfast?” Hunk ventured as he continued to make his way down the corridor.

“Uh, yeah, I just forgot something,” Keith said, hastily getting up and walking opposite from Hunk to the direction of his room.

“Oh, well, later,” Hunk waved, and that was the end of the rather uncomfortable encounter.

Or so Keith thought.

Along the way – how far was his fucking room – he almost bumped a groggy Lance who just came out of his door.

“Watch it,” Keith frowned, but he did not say any more than that. He just continued on his way when Lance suddenly spoke in his usual mischievous tone:

“Where’d you get that shirt, from the Dad Section in the Department Store?”

Keith denied him from seeing his face, which just turned beet red. Warmth spread from his cheeks all the way to his ears and neck. He walked briskly, unable to come up with a witty counter attack, teeth seethed at letting Lance off thinking he scored one point over Keith.

What the heck. Of course. He was still wearing Shiro’s shirt.


	3. Chapter 3

The day went on like usual, as if the awkwardness that graced Keith’s morning was never there.

They spent most of the time in the training room, and in the afternoon paraded around in their lions for some flight simulation and area patrol. The frail, fatigued Shiro he’d seen the previous night was replaced by the usual fearless and charismatic leader that he was. He’d smile easily around Pidge, guide Lance and Hunk in combat, and discuss battle strategies with Allura and Coran with ease, as if there was nothing at the back of his mind.

But Keith knew better.

Whenever Shiro placed himself at the periphery, away from everyone’s gazes, his eyes would sometimes suddenly look lost, distant – and as quickly as it happened, it would be over before anyone else could notice.

But Keith did.

He was spending too much time glancing at Shiro every now and then.

 

It would seem that Keith’s frequent glances at Shiro didn’t go unnoticed.

“Does Shiro know?” Pidge suddenly asked him while they were doing stretches in the training room. The three other paladins were sparring off to one side.

“What are you talking about?” Keith arched an eyebrow, feigning innocence. After all, the question itself was ambiguous, why should he give anything away?

“You’re staring more frequently than usual.”

Keith fought back the blush that crept up his neck, embarrassed. _Than usual_. Was he unconsciously staring at Shiro at a regular basis?

Pidge just looked at him for a while. “I’m not trying to pry or anything, but what I _do_ know from personal experience is that keeping secrets will slowly eat you up.”

Then the conversation was dropped, just like that. It did not mean there weren’t any unspoken words that lingered.

 

That night, Keith fought hard to go to sleep. He twisted and turned in his sheets, eager to find a comfortable position that would carry him off to a deep uninterrupted slumber. He still couldn’t.

He worried about Shiro more than he allowed himself to. What kept _him_ up at night? He’d never disclosed the details of the one year he spent in captivity, but no one could blame him for his silence. After all, no one but Shiro knew just how deep the trauma was on him.

He thought about how hard it must have been, for Shiro to have gotten in that cold shower last night. _To relieve stress_ , he had said. Just how heavy was that stress to make him do that? Keith had seen his eyes, even in the dark – it was as if Shiro did not only want to be splashed with cold water; he wanted to _drown_.

Keith wanted to take all that away. He wanted to go back to that time before, to what seemed to be another life far from this, where all he had to do was pull Shiro into his arms and he would feel safe. That was gone from them now, existing only in scattered memories, far from anyone’s grasp.

The longing for what had been left a big hollow space inside Keith, and it echoed with the sensation of Shiro’s body against his, and the distant yet familiar sounds of Shiro’s warm unreserved laughter.

Thoughts were racing through his mind like an old movie about random, mostly domestic, happenings that came from a long time ago, back when he was younger. Each memory carried a bittersweet feeling of nostalgia for little moments he wished to become reality again. His eyes and face felt warm, and he fought to push those feelings away, believing he could not fully be there for Shiro if he was too busy fighting his own inner battles.

Pidge was right. Secrets have a way of eating you up. But then what was he supposed to do?

When Keith could not contain the distress any longer, he got up and went for the door.

He stopped.

Where the hell was he going after dark, at who knows what time it was? Anywhere, he told himself, as long as he could get his mind off things, but he already knew where his destination was.

It was Shiro.

Always has, always is, and always will be.

He let the mechanized door slide open, and welcomed the dark.

 

Only it wasn’t the dark that awaited him on the other side.

Suddenly, Shiro stumbled in front of him, and in that moment, everything happened in slow motion, and simultaneously all too quick, too fast.

Shiro’s startled face, the bulk of his well-defined body, seemed for a moment like a comet heading to Keith’s Earth for collision. It was like they were in a cheesy romcom movie, acting out the most cliché scenario of the main couple’s meeting – with Keith opening the door just as Shiro was coincidentally leaning his hand on it – except this wasn’t a movie at all.

With the grace of a Paladin and a veteran fighter, Shiro regained balance, frozen in midair with his face hovering awkwardly over Keith’s. So maybe it seemed like something from a movie.

“Whoah,” Keith gasped, unable to hide his surprise that he stepped back in reflex. The mechanized door slid back, and an awkward silence fell inside the room.

More thoughts flooded Keith’s mind. What was Shiro doing here? Was he walking around in the middle of the night again? Or was he here for the shirt? How long has he been leaning on his door? Was he going to continue wandering around the castle? How was Keith supposed to react?

“I…” Shiro began, his hand instinctively moving to scratch the back of his neck. His cheeks were tinted red with embarrassment. “I was walking around, feeling lost, and somehow I just…” He stuttered, and his voice became noticeably quieter when he continued. “I didn’t feel lost anymore, when I found your door.”

Keith’s mouth hung open, but he forgot how to produce any sound or syllable. Shiro’s unconcealed honesty coupled with that sheepish smile just had that effect on him. Also, he had answered all the immediate questions swirling inside Keith’s head.

Unable to come up with anything else to abate the awkwardness, Shiro took a step back and slowly turned towards the door. “I’m sorry, I must’ve woken you. I should probably head back—”

This time, it was Keith’s turn to take hold of Shiro’s arm, startling both of them. Keith felt his cheeks go hot again, and willed himself not to look at Shiro’s face.

“Stay, if that’s what you need,” he said, though it sounded more like a plea than an invitation. Inwardly, he cursed at himself for sounding uncharacteristically needy and for being a little straightforward. Shiro would most likely feel the discomfort, and go back to his own room.

He didn’t.

Instead, Shiro’s hand moved to clasp Keith’s, enveloping clammy fingers in his big warm palm. He squeezed.

The gesture made Keith jump on his toes, and he braved a glance beside him at Shiro, their linked hands hovering between them.

Shiro’s face was angled away from him, eyes cast on the floor, but he was grinning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story fluctuates from being sad to being fluffy O.o  
> anyways, thank YOU for your kind comments :)  
> i hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry this took a little longer to update!  
> i've been a little swamped at work, but the sheith was still so strong so~~  
> thank you so much for reading until this chapter so far :D  
> this was unbeta'd, all mistakes are mine

Keith’s bed had never felt small to him.

It was just right, with enough room for him to toss and turn about in the nights he found it difficult to sleep. However, with Shiro lying beside him facing the wall, his warm back pressed against his – Keith could feel every rise and fall of his chest every time he breathed – it was as if there wasn’t space enough for him to move. Or he didn’t allow himself to move at all.

Keith was more than aware of the lack of space between them now, the fabric of their clothes being the only thing that separated them – it wasn’t any different than the previous night in Shiro’s room, but here in his own quarters, something wasn’t the same.

It was _his_ own room. He wasn’t a visitor here; he had authority within these four walls. He should be able to move around his bed as he pleased, maybe even turn around to press his head against the muscles of Shiro’s shoulder blade – but he didn’t, he _couldn’t_.

Shiro didn’t need _his_ personal emotions to come into the picture right now. Shiro has enough troubles without Keith forcing his own feelings onto him.

Convincing himself to be content with the warm body behind him instead of the cold wall, Keith pressed his eyes closed and let the sound of Shiro’s breathing carry him off to sleep.

  

 

In the dream, Shiro was sleeping soundly beside him under the sheets. Naked, by the looks of it.

An arm was snuggly cradling Keith’s head, and another – a _human_ arm – was draped over his torso, ending with a warm hand that supported his back. Their legs were entangled vines snaked around each other; his skin, hot and electrified where it made contact with the man beside him. Clothes were strewn all over the floor, momentarily forgotten, gone only in the next mornings after Shiro would slowly and silently get up so as not to rouse Keith from slumber.

In the dream, Shiro had gone, and come back triumphantly from the Kerberos Mission, where glory, prestige, and a very proud and loving Keith awaited him. They had wasted no time in reminding each other of the other’s warmth and taste, nothing but happiness and reunion in their minds.

No withheld whispers about _‘pilot error’_ , _‘failed hopes’_ , _‘wasted funding’_ and _‘fallen prodigy’_ , nor the unbearable academy atmosphere that suffocated Keith and made him feel nauseated,  and eventually made him quit the garrison.

No episodes of insomnia – no difficulty in sleeping at night with all the nightmares about the possibilities of Shiro’s fate plaguing his mind, and in the moments he was awake, there was no need to be always too excruciatingly aware of what he’d lost.

In the dream, living didn’t have to be so painful.

In the dream, Keith allowed himself to tightly hold on to Shiro.

 

 

Now in the morning light, and another warm body next to him on the bed, Keith was still sure he was dreaming.

Shiro’s warm gaze fell upon him, a doting smile on his lips, and a scar across his face, one of the remnants of the time he was captured and imprisoned by the Galra –

Keith sat up with a start. Somehow, Shiro was here in _his_ room – they’d literally spent the night on the same bed, and woke up still _in it_ together. In the most platonic way possible. Shiro also seemed taken aback with Keith’s sudden disentanglement from the sheets, shades of pain and rejection contaminating the wooden color of his eyes. Instinctively, he looked away.

“I’m sorry, Keith,” he said silently, more to the sheets than at the other paladin. “I’ve been selfish for taking up your space and your time. I’ve been too caught up in my own troubles that I disregarded your feelings about the Galra.”

He raised his bionic hand, and realization rose up inside Keith in the form of hot blood rushing to his face. He impulsively took Shiro’s metal hand in his, and held it tight.

“Don’t ever think that,” Keith said, his voice firm, soft, and yet commanding. “I know _you_. You’re different from them, Shiro. From anyone else.”

More emotions swirled around in Shiro’s eyes – confusion, relief, something else Keith couldn’t name. “But just now—”

“No, that was—” Whatever sudden resolve that had gripped Keith a moment ago suddenly dissipated, to be replaced by a realization that he might be being too transparent. Too hell with that, maybe _now_ was the right time –

“Shiro,  – Towards you, I—”

“AAAAND enter the room of the galaxy’s biggest slacker!” The mechanized door slid open and Keith wasn’t sure if he was relieved or pissed, or both, that _fucking Lance_ decided to waltz in his room on this particular morning. “That’s right, Keith, _I_ beat you to breakfast—”

A moment of awkward silence fell over as Lance took in the image before him – two teens crammed into a single bed, sitting with their legs under the same blanket, their hands clasped together. In the most platonic and heterosexual way possible.

For the longest time, no one spoke at all.

“Time’s a wasting, paladins! Breakfast is getting colder with every tick!” Coran’s cheery voice echoed in the hallway as he passed. “Lance, that is a very trendy purple onesie –” then he stuck his head inside Keith’s door, and in his unwavering merry tone, said, “- and a good morning to you Shiro, Keith.”

And he skipped along to the next paladin’s quarters.

After one final awkward tick, slowly, Lance withdrew himself from the room, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still really can't choose a constant tone for this  
> i live for angst and mutual pining but i also can't |not| add some fluff  
> you're more than welcome to tell me what you think about this :)  
> thank you so much fam~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i had some time during work and my fingers slipped  
> (i'm slacking off, pls forgive my sheith-stained heart and mind)  
> thank you for all your kind comments until now! :)

“Yeah, I mean, I guess because it’s you two, it’s not really that surprising,” Hunk shrugged as he did his stretches beside Keith, arms just barely reaching his toes.

Keith felt another blush creeping up his face, so he looked away, only for his eyes to automatically land on Shiro, who was sparring this time with Pidge. He decided to maybe just look at the floor instead.

He thought about Pidge hinting about them the day before. He thought about how Coran just passed by casually this morning, unnerved at seeing two paladins sharing the same bed. Has that ever happened before, two paladins of the same gender under the same sheets? Or do Alteans just have more open and liberated views about coupling? Wait, they weren’t exactly _coupling_ , but because it’s the two of them –

“What do you mean, it’s because it’s _us two_?”

“Oh come on, even someone as dense as Lance could have picked up on that.”

“Hey!” Lance hissed through his teeth. Then he looked sideways and muttered. “And _yes_ , I totally picked up on that.”

“…” Hunk and Keith both just stared at him blankly.

“You just found out today, didn’t you,” Hunk simply said.

“Alright, since it’s already established that Lance has the social awareness of a watercress sandwich, what _did_ you mean by…?”

Ignoring a fuming Lance in a corner, Hunk paused from his stretches, his eyes pointed upward in recollection. “Oh, well I guess Shiro coming out of your room in the mornings isn’t really weird? I mean, you kind of have that relationship and vibe that makes it easy for people to accept you two being around each other is the norm.”

Keith’s mouth hung open, but he couldn’t quite find the right words to form a question nor a reaction.

“I think Keith being annoying is the norm,” Lance chimed in, and that signaled a challenge to spar, and the end of the conversation.

 

 

“About this morning, I—”

“Oh yeah, you weren’t able to do your morning routine,” Keith just blurted out, eager to evade the topic. Shiro had once again gone to his room, yet did not push through any further than the door. “I mean, didn’t you say you usually exercise to keep your mind awake and busy?”

Understanding and recollection crept up in Shiro’s eyes, and he smiled. “Uh, yeah, this morning was a little different, I guess.”

“How different?” Keith felt his heart suddenly jump inside his ribcage.

“Well, I was the one lying beside the wall,” Shiro began, his eyes anywhere but on Keith. “And so I had to walk over you to get out of bed, but…” his voice suddenly became a few decibels lower. “You seemed so peaceful, as if you were having a really good dream, and I didn’t want to…”

Shiro’s voice trailed off, and they let the silence hang above them. Keith slowly put a hand over Shiro’s bicep – a touch of pure comfort, free of ill-intentions. Shiro’s eyes looked up from the floor and searched Keith’s face, and in that instant, he knew there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

Suddenly, Keith turned on his heels and walked to the bed, leaving Shiro a little confused standing by the door. The Red Paladin climbed under the sheets, leaned his shoulder on the wall, and tapped the space beside him.

“ _This_ will be your space from now,” he said, immediately angling his face away from the door as soon as the words _‘from now’_ escaped his lips. He mentally cursed himself. _Nice going, Keith, imply that this is a long term thing, and totally ignore the fact that you are sort of using Shiro’s trauma as an excuse to get bits and pieces of your past back_.

While Keith was busy hating himself, Shiro had quietly taken his place beside him, and brought him back to reality by planting a comforting bionic hand on Keith’s shoulder. Keith can’t help but think that’s where Shiro’s touches belong; _on his skin_.

“Thanks, buddy.”

And that, Keith thought with a rueful smile, was enough for now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this took too long to update, and for that i apologize  
> anyways, here's the fluffy yet angsty space gay romance i owe you guys!  
> p.s this was unbeta'd, all mistakes are mine

That wasn’t the last night Shiro spent at Keith’s room.

The next evening, Shiro came in prepared – he brought his own pillow as if he was joining a slumber party, except the party’s only between two male teenagers. But it _was_ true – they did nothing but sleep side by side, or at least try to sleep with their own troubles bombarding their minds.

Always, when Keith woke up the next morning, Shiro would be on the floor playing his part as the spawn of Eros and Adonis again.

And every time, Keith would wonder if he was extremely lucky, or extremely _un_ lucky.

 

 

Keith’s evenings have since then become like this, as if he was living a different life after dark, which started with every time Shiro entered his room, and ended once he went out the door.

His days were spent as a regular paladin, focused on training, simulations, and regular arguments with Lance. Of course, the developments between them didn’t go unnoticed, and there were the occasional comments thrown at them about their current sleeping arrangement:

“Is there a need to make arrangements to transfer you to a bigger bedchamber?” Allura had congenially and suddenly asked Keith one time that it made him stutter as he declined with the same congeniality, which only came out as a stiff effort at being too polite.

Once, Keith opened his door to Coran bringing him Shiro’s laundry, and as tempted as he was to keep something – maybe that shirt again – for himself, he decided to just politely send the Altean to the right room.

His fellow paladins were much more discrete with just knowing glances and smiles – well, except for Lance who always snarled at him when he wasn’t busy marveling at his own self-declared beauty and skills. Hunk never brought the topic back up – he wasn’t exactly one to prod – but he’d expressed his approval by exactly not making a big deal out of it. Pidge just playfully elbowed Keith, and that was the end of it.

It was as if everyone was congratulating him for getting married.

It all felt like a different version of how they were before Kerberos, but the one thing that was constant was the _two of them_.

Until now, he was waiting for the metaphorical rainforests and jungle of animals going wild in his stomach, the free-floating feeling of extreme euphoria, and yet –

\-- and yet something felt amiss. Something felt definitely wrong.

With time’s continuous passage, an insidious and bitter feeling of guilt slowly and agonizingly ate away at him. _This_ , whatever name they could attach to what they had between them, was messing him up real bad. If he actually thought about it, they were only in that sort of arrangement – he wouldn’t even call it a relationship – because it was mutually benefitting.

Shiro needed companionship, and Keith, well, he wanted to somehow relive the past he had with the unsuspecting Shiro, without giving anything away, because he was – and it pained him to admit it – _afraid_. Afraid that this deception has gone too long, and that it would be too late to gain Shiro’s trust back once he says it out loud.

In the times that he finds himself alone, the weight of it all would suddenly rush at him like a massive tidal wave.

 

 

“Keith, are you okay?” Shiro asked, his voice laced with concern as he tucked himself in the warm blanket they’ve been sharing for the past couple of weeks. Their legs and ankles touched, and Keith imperceptibly shivered at the contact.

“Yeah, something wrong?” Keith arched an eyebrow innocently. Inwardly, he wondered how he’s still lying.

“…” Shiro was quiet for a moment. Then after a tick, he said, “Nah, I’m probably just reading too much into the little things.”

 _But that’s because it’s what you do_ , Keith thought ruefully to himself.

“What are you, a parent?” Keith smirked, masking the growing pain in his gut.

“Sorry,” Shiro showed him that adorable lopsided grin that never failed to make his head spin. Then he looked down at his hands and sighed. “I guess I just can’t help but dote on the people I care about.”

Keith thanked the gods that Shiro was busy looking elsewhere, because he could feel stars bursting at the back of his eyes right now, and they were making his whole face warm. He had this sudden impulse to hide himself under the sheets, but he only felt exposed with Shiro there with him. He settled for assuming a fetal position and facing the wall instead.

“Well, I’m not a kid anymore, Shiro,” he said, his ears still red. He could feel Shiro turning to face him, but he did not dare look back and expose his embarrassment. Then he felt Shiro’s warm cyborg hand ruffle his hair gently, lovingly. Like a parent.

“Whatever you say, buddy.”

And Keith thought he had never known something that should feel nice could be so disheartening.

 

 

Keith awoke to a still dark room, the wall to his face, and Shiro shivering behind him. Keith shifted, and placed a comforting hand on the other paladin’s broad back, and suddenly Shiro snapped to attention, his body flinching and suddenly lurching from where he lay.

“Shiro, it’s me—!” Keith said, his body instinctively reaching out to clasp Shiro’s wrist, keeping him in place. The air grew thick with tension as Shiro shut his eyes and took deep breaths, his hand moving with unsuppressed urgency to find Keith’s as he struggled to calm himself from whatever it was that suddenly overwhelmed him, and Keith waited patiently, his hand never leaving where it held onto the older teen.

For what seemed like a long time, they let silence pass over them as they sat on the bed, legs snug under the sheets and hands clasped together between them, metal fingers shivering while enclosed in a human palm.

“Keith,” Shiro whispered, and that was all it took to snap Keith back to wakefulness. A few ticks and Shiro did not say anything else, did not even open his eyes. That was it: _Keith_.

Keith made to inch a little closer, but bionic fingers suddenly went rigid inside his hand.

“No…!” Shiro half-whispered, and his whole body shivering. “I—I mean… I’m so sorry.”

His voice had gone another decibel lower. He finally opened his eyes, but they were unfocused, staring straight into the other wall and at nothing in particular at all, as if his mind was stuck somewhere Keith couldn’t follow.

“Keith, I’m sorry,” Shiro echoed, his strong shoulders sagging. “I’ve been too selfish too long, getting into your space like this, and… and making you share the burden that’s supposed to be mine alone. I don’t think I deserve to be here…”

Then this time he turned and looked fully at Keith, brown eyes glistening with moisture.

“And yet being here feels so _right_. It doesn’t make sense.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense,” Keith whispered back, feeling his own eyes burning.

“But I’m—” Shiro began, but his voice cracks. “I’m a monster, Keith – I’m a broken soldier. They were right. I have been thinking long and hard about why The Black Lion ejected me during that battle with the Galra. It _knows_ , Keith. It knows I’m corrupted. I don’t have any right to be here with all of you, much less be the leader and pilot the Black Lion.”

“Stop that,” Keith said a little too angrily, and there’s a lump forming in his throat that makes his voice sound low and edgy. “Shiro, don’t say anything more.”

Without thinking, he placed his other hand on Shiro’s cheek, and pulled him closer. He let their foreheads and noses touch, lips ghosting over each other yet not close enough to kiss.

And that’s when he felt hot tears streaming on his cheeks, down his chin, staining the front of his shirt.

He couldn’t tell who was crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!  
> if you ever just wanna talk sheith or vld, hmu on tumblr, this is the vows-to-sleep-early-but-doesn't pc of crap, eruriholic


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